Episode 246: Love Yourself
And hello to you and welcome to the Richard Nicholls Podcast, the personal development podcast series that's here to help inspire, educate, and motivate you to be the best you can be. I'm psychotherapist Richard Nicholls, and this episode is called Love Yourself. And if you're ready, we'll start the show.
Hey there, you lovelies. It's that time of the year again. The Valentine's Day cards are everywhere, aren't they? Seems like only five minutes since the last time capitalism and commercialism tried to use
emotional tactics to make us spend our money. Now, at time of recording, unless I bottle it completely This is going to genuinely be the first time I've not given my wife a Valentine's card since we met in 1996.
Now, like I say, I've got time to bottle it because it's a couple of weeks away yet for me. And the two of us did say last year we weren't going to bother anymore. And I bottled it, and I bought one at the last minute. But as it stands right now, we're probably not going to get each other anything for Valentine's Day.
She stopped a couple of years ago because she hates being told what to do by anybody. Especially society. And she's repeatedly told me to not bother getting her anything for Valentine's Day. That we don't need social pressure to remind each other that we love each other. But that's probably because, in one way or another, we show it throughout the rest of the year.
Because that's what you do when you love somebody, isn't it? When you are genuinely interested in making sure that they are happy. We show them that we care. We show them that we love them. Have you watched A Man on the Inside on Netflix at all? Such a lovely program. It's based on a Chilean film from a few years ago.
But it's, they redid it for America. It's very sweet, very easy to watch and enjoy. And it's about being a private detective, except it's not. It's about people, and relationships, and love. And there's one scene where Ted Danson's character is talking to his daughter, and he says, because it's late at night and his daughter has got some long trip home or something, he says, Here, take my keys, sleep at my place.
There's a spare toothbrush under the sink, and if you need air, the downstairs thermostat is the one you use. But remember, the sensor's all the way up in the attic, so the whole house runs hot. Oh, and there's a sealed bag of coffee in the freezer. And she smiles, and she replies, I love you too. Because she knows that that's what he means when he says all those things.
We don't just love someone by saying, I love you. We show them. But what about ourselves? Do we show ourselves the same attention, affection? Most of us probably don't. Yet I'm sure, just like with a partner, we are genuinely interested in making sure that we are happy. And just like with a partner, we're not always happy with them. We don't always like them. But we accept their flaws. We tolerate them at their worst because we love them at their best. And we absolutely need to make sure we have that same attitude towards ourselves as well. We spend 100 percent of our lives with ourselves. Even if we're distracted with other things and other people, we still carry ourselves everywhere we go.
And if we're in a toxic relationship with ourselves, then that's going to be hell. We want the person that we're living with for the rest of our lives to show that they care for us, don't we? To tolerate us at our worst and love us at our best. Well, that's the goal then, isn't it? Because if I'm going to be stuck with someone 24 hours a day for the rest of my life I prefer that they were patient with me, rather than critical.
I prefer that they were encouraging of my hopes and dreams, rather than dismissive and ignorant. I mean, out of those two, who would you like to live with? Who would you prefer to love? And how easy would it be to fall out of love with someone who constantly puts you down and has got no faith in you? Now, I don't know how many people listening to this do love themselves.
I put a poll on Blue Sky, well a link to it anyway, last week, when I decided on what the topic was going to be today and it didn't look very good. More people said Yes than No, but only just. It was almost a 50 50 split. And we know from so many self esteem studies that a majority of people will experience significantly low self esteem at some point in their life.
And it's hard to compensate for this. It's hard to do the right things that encourage self love. But I urge you to. And I think the best place to start is to get to know yourself. I think those that have a lot of self hate have over time disconnected from who they really are. If you don't like yourself, it might be because you're not actually even being yourself.
You're being someone that just seems like the right person to be. Based on other people's expectations or wants and not your own. And I met so many people over the years who hate themselves because of the things that they've done just because it felt at the time that they had no choice but to do those things.
And these are at completely opposing ends of the bad behaviour spectrum here. I've had clients who hate themselves because they were too nice. And I've met people who hate themselves because they're responsible for killing somebody. And we can hate what we did, but we shouldn't hate who we are. When you can accept who you are, even if you can't accept the things that you've done, you can then start looking at who you want to be.
And that comes from knowing your needs. Knowing your values, the things that give you direction and purpose. And that is going to be different for everybody. That could be, Selflessness, health, faith, elegance, curiosity, connections, friendship, love, food, anything. You can't like yourself if you don't even know yourself.
So get to know you, and then you can accept your limitations. Because we've all got them, and they're just a part of you. They're not all of you, and those weaknesses don't change you. They're just a part of you. And that makes it easier to set boundaries with others and make decisions based on what you really want.
It makes it easier to say No to unreasonable requests and demands. If you put others needs before your own, you're devaluing yourself, and with it, your opinion of yourself. And of course, this starts with the thinking. That's what an opinion is. It's informed knowledge. But through repetition of the thoughts, it becomes unconscious. It becomes feelings.
And that's when it becomes self hate. So flipping that round and repeating something new is really important. But it takes a lot of practice. You might have to start with, no I'm going to rephrase that, you absolutely will have to start with a mental rehearsal of how you handle those sorts of situations.
It starts in your head before it can be out loud, although it could still be out loud I guess if you're on your own you can gain a lot of rehearsal and repetition benefits from doing something in front of a mirror. Practising saying No to unreasonable requests. Practicing acting like someone who does value themselves.
If it makes it easier, think of it as if you're defending somebody else. Someone you already care for. And imagine you're speaking on their behalf. If you did that in the real world, that other person would really appreciate you. They'd love you for it. Well, do that for yourself, if you have to. It allows the brain to learn about the genuine things to feel guilty about.
Sure, feel guilty about the mistakes you've made, or the hurt you might have caused someone if you have done, because that's human, that's normal. But, if someone throws a Cartier crystal glass at you and you don't catch it, and you step aside and it smashes against a wall, that's not your fault. It might be a 500 quid glass, but like I often say, just because somebody throws something at you, it's not your responsibility to catch it.
Reserve guilt for genuine responsibility and let that guide your values and actions for the future. That way it's easier to forgive yourself. And that doesn't mean letting yourself off the hook. It means accepting that the past can't be changed. But acknowledging the influence you now have over the future because of that past.
Because people make mistakes. We all do. We make financial ones, relationship ones, career ones. It's rare that in the moment we think, This is a mistake, this is going to haunt me from now on. Like I say, we do what we do because it seems right at the time. Accept that. Learn from that. Move on from that. And you can't do that if you hate yourself.
So sure, hate what you did, make amends, and you can learn to love yourself again. Or at least be kind to yourself. Maybe you have to start there. Just treat yourself with some respect. Are you eating when you're hungry? Are you stopping when you're full? Are you listening to the aches and pains you might have?
And seeing an osteopath, or a personal trainer, or a Pilates instructor? I mean, the fact that you're listening to this is a great start. You're taking the time for you, and that's really important. But make sure this isn't all you do. If you need to set time aside to plan your meals for next week so that you do eat well, then do that.
Because if you don't, how are you going to know what to put on your shopping list? What are you going to get from the supermarket? There is a balance between too much prep that it's unhealthy and too little prep that you end up eating rubbish night after night and having biscuits for lunch. That's not what you would do for somebody else.
If you loved them, you'd take the time for them. So, not doing that for yourself teaches you what you deserve. Maybe it teaches you that you're unlovable, hate worthy. No one's going to add that to a list of things to do to feel good about yourself, are they? It's like being deliberately cruel to yourself, saying horrible things about yourself, calling yourself a piece of crap for feeling depressed, which makes you feel more like a piece of crap and more depressed.
Well, do the opposite. Give yourself some respect, some space to breathe and permission to feel what you feel. If you feel depressed, you might just have to accept that you do. That there are reasons for it, and you need to look after yourself. But refusing to accept your reality? And saying, I shouldn't feel like this, there are people worse off than me, I should, I should pull myself together, positive vibes only, folks, no room in this life for negativity.
What? Yeah, there is. If you ignore your emotions, they don't go away. There are very few times where you can snap out of something and override how you feel with positive self talk. Yeah, those times exist. Sporting competitions, speeches at weddings, sure, maybe, save it for that then. But even then, you're still going to be feeling the way that you're feeling for a reason.
It's okay to be anxious about things that mean a lot to you. Label your emotions for what they are, rather than hating yourself for feeling angry, examine it. Emotions aren't good or bad, they just are. And they're the only way that your unconscious, ancient, pre verbal brain has got of telling you what you need.
Feel the anger and label it appropriately. If you feel angry because it's an offshoot of feeling Belittled, disappointed, or frustrated. Then recognise that that's what it is. Journal about it. Write down Today I felt belittled. Today I feel frustrated. Today I feel insignificant and stupid, unlovable or ugly.
Write about it. Or just think about it. But recognise what you feel. And allow yourself to feel it rather than automatically shutting it down and trying to override your reality. Now, as you probably know, I talk a lot more about all this sort of stuff on Patreon every week. I've also got a personal development course called Evolve to Thrive.
That Fiona Biddle from my other podcast project, Therapy Natters, if you listen to that. She put that together with me. Links are in the show notes, so if you do need a bit more extra help with all of this, then there are things that you can do. So, have a super weekend if you're listening to this just as it comes out.
I'll be back on Friday with a short bonus episode, or on Monday with a full episode if you're listening to this on Patreon, of course. Either way, I will speak to you again at some point very, very soon. Take care of yourself. Bye for now.
Hey there, you lovelies. It's that time of the year again. The Valentine's Day cards are everywhere, aren't they? Seems like only five minutes since the last time capitalism and commercialism tried to use
emotional tactics to make us spend our money. Now, at time of recording, unless I bottle it completely This is going to genuinely be the first time I've not given my wife a Valentine's card since we met in 1996.
Now, like I say, I've got time to bottle it because it's a couple of weeks away yet for me. And the two of us did say last year we weren't going to bother anymore. And I bottled it, and I bought one at the last minute. But as it stands right now, we're probably not going to get each other anything for Valentine's Day.
She stopped a couple of years ago because she hates being told what to do by anybody. Especially society. And she's repeatedly told me to not bother getting her anything for Valentine's Day. That we don't need social pressure to remind each other that we love each other. But that's probably because, in one way or another, we show it throughout the rest of the year.
Because that's what you do when you love somebody, isn't it? When you are genuinely interested in making sure that they are happy. We show them that we care. We show them that we love them. Have you watched A Man on the Inside on Netflix at all? Such a lovely program. It's based on a Chilean film from a few years ago.
But it's, they redid it for America. It's very sweet, very easy to watch and enjoy. And it's about being a private detective, except it's not. It's about people, and relationships, and love. And there's one scene where Ted Danson's character is talking to his daughter, and he says, because it's late at night and his daughter has got some long trip home or something, he says, Here, take my keys, sleep at my place.
There's a spare toothbrush under the sink, and if you need air, the downstairs thermostat is the one you use. But remember, the sensor's all the way up in the attic, so the whole house runs hot. Oh, and there's a sealed bag of coffee in the freezer. And she smiles, and she replies, I love you too. Because she knows that that's what he means when he says all those things.
We don't just love someone by saying, I love you. We show them. But what about ourselves? Do we show ourselves the same attention, affection? Most of us probably don't. Yet I'm sure, just like with a partner, we are genuinely interested in making sure that we are happy. And just like with a partner, we're not always happy with them. We don't always like them. But we accept their flaws. We tolerate them at their worst because we love them at their best. And we absolutely need to make sure we have that same attitude towards ourselves as well. We spend 100 percent of our lives with ourselves. Even if we're distracted with other things and other people, we still carry ourselves everywhere we go.
And if we're in a toxic relationship with ourselves, then that's going to be hell. We want the person that we're living with for the rest of our lives to show that they care for us, don't we? To tolerate us at our worst and love us at our best. Well, that's the goal then, isn't it? Because if I'm going to be stuck with someone 24 hours a day for the rest of my life I prefer that they were patient with me, rather than critical.
I prefer that they were encouraging of my hopes and dreams, rather than dismissive and ignorant. I mean, out of those two, who would you like to live with? Who would you prefer to love? And how easy would it be to fall out of love with someone who constantly puts you down and has got no faith in you? Now, I don't know how many people listening to this do love themselves.
I put a poll on Blue Sky, well a link to it anyway, last week, when I decided on what the topic was going to be today and it didn't look very good. More people said Yes than No, but only just. It was almost a 50 50 split. And we know from so many self esteem studies that a majority of people will experience significantly low self esteem at some point in their life.
And it's hard to compensate for this. It's hard to do the right things that encourage self love. But I urge you to. And I think the best place to start is to get to know yourself. I think those that have a lot of self hate have over time disconnected from who they really are. If you don't like yourself, it might be because you're not actually even being yourself.
You're being someone that just seems like the right person to be. Based on other people's expectations or wants and not your own. And I met so many people over the years who hate themselves because of the things that they've done just because it felt at the time that they had no choice but to do those things.
And these are at completely opposing ends of the bad behaviour spectrum here. I've had clients who hate themselves because they were too nice. And I've met people who hate themselves because they're responsible for killing somebody. And we can hate what we did, but we shouldn't hate who we are. When you can accept who you are, even if you can't accept the things that you've done, you can then start looking at who you want to be.
And that comes from knowing your needs. Knowing your values, the things that give you direction and purpose. And that is going to be different for everybody. That could be, Selflessness, health, faith, elegance, curiosity, connections, friendship, love, food, anything. You can't like yourself if you don't even know yourself.
So get to know you, and then you can accept your limitations. Because we've all got them, and they're just a part of you. They're not all of you, and those weaknesses don't change you. They're just a part of you. And that makes it easier to set boundaries with others and make decisions based on what you really want.
It makes it easier to say No to unreasonable requests and demands. If you put others needs before your own, you're devaluing yourself, and with it, your opinion of yourself. And of course, this starts with the thinking. That's what an opinion is. It's informed knowledge. But through repetition of the thoughts, it becomes unconscious. It becomes feelings.
And that's when it becomes self hate. So flipping that round and repeating something new is really important. But it takes a lot of practice. You might have to start with, no I'm going to rephrase that, you absolutely will have to start with a mental rehearsal of how you handle those sorts of situations.
It starts in your head before it can be out loud, although it could still be out loud I guess if you're on your own you can gain a lot of rehearsal and repetition benefits from doing something in front of a mirror. Practising saying No to unreasonable requests. Practicing acting like someone who does value themselves.
If it makes it easier, think of it as if you're defending somebody else. Someone you already care for. And imagine you're speaking on their behalf. If you did that in the real world, that other person would really appreciate you. They'd love you for it. Well, do that for yourself, if you have to. It allows the brain to learn about the genuine things to feel guilty about.
Sure, feel guilty about the mistakes you've made, or the hurt you might have caused someone if you have done, because that's human, that's normal. But, if someone throws a Cartier crystal glass at you and you don't catch it, and you step aside and it smashes against a wall, that's not your fault. It might be a 500 quid glass, but like I often say, just because somebody throws something at you, it's not your responsibility to catch it.
Reserve guilt for genuine responsibility and let that guide your values and actions for the future. That way it's easier to forgive yourself. And that doesn't mean letting yourself off the hook. It means accepting that the past can't be changed. But acknowledging the influence you now have over the future because of that past.
Because people make mistakes. We all do. We make financial ones, relationship ones, career ones. It's rare that in the moment we think, This is a mistake, this is going to haunt me from now on. Like I say, we do what we do because it seems right at the time. Accept that. Learn from that. Move on from that. And you can't do that if you hate yourself.
So sure, hate what you did, make amends, and you can learn to love yourself again. Or at least be kind to yourself. Maybe you have to start there. Just treat yourself with some respect. Are you eating when you're hungry? Are you stopping when you're full? Are you listening to the aches and pains you might have?
And seeing an osteopath, or a personal trainer, or a Pilates instructor? I mean, the fact that you're listening to this is a great start. You're taking the time for you, and that's really important. But make sure this isn't all you do. If you need to set time aside to plan your meals for next week so that you do eat well, then do that.
Because if you don't, how are you going to know what to put on your shopping list? What are you going to get from the supermarket? There is a balance between too much prep that it's unhealthy and too little prep that you end up eating rubbish night after night and having biscuits for lunch. That's not what you would do for somebody else.
If you loved them, you'd take the time for them. So, not doing that for yourself teaches you what you deserve. Maybe it teaches you that you're unlovable, hate worthy. No one's going to add that to a list of things to do to feel good about yourself, are they? It's like being deliberately cruel to yourself, saying horrible things about yourself, calling yourself a piece of crap for feeling depressed, which makes you feel more like a piece of crap and more depressed.
Well, do the opposite. Give yourself some respect, some space to breathe and permission to feel what you feel. If you feel depressed, you might just have to accept that you do. That there are reasons for it, and you need to look after yourself. But refusing to accept your reality? And saying, I shouldn't feel like this, there are people worse off than me, I should, I should pull myself together, positive vibes only, folks, no room in this life for negativity.
What? Yeah, there is. If you ignore your emotions, they don't go away. There are very few times where you can snap out of something and override how you feel with positive self talk. Yeah, those times exist. Sporting competitions, speeches at weddings, sure, maybe, save it for that then. But even then, you're still going to be feeling the way that you're feeling for a reason.
It's okay to be anxious about things that mean a lot to you. Label your emotions for what they are, rather than hating yourself for feeling angry, examine it. Emotions aren't good or bad, they just are. And they're the only way that your unconscious, ancient, pre verbal brain has got of telling you what you need.
Feel the anger and label it appropriately. If you feel angry because it's an offshoot of feeling Belittled, disappointed, or frustrated. Then recognise that that's what it is. Journal about it. Write down Today I felt belittled. Today I feel frustrated. Today I feel insignificant and stupid, unlovable or ugly.
Write about it. Or just think about it. But recognise what you feel. And allow yourself to feel it rather than automatically shutting it down and trying to override your reality. Now, as you probably know, I talk a lot more about all this sort of stuff on Patreon every week. I've also got a personal development course called Evolve to Thrive.
That Fiona Biddle from my other podcast project, Therapy Natters, if you listen to that. She put that together with me. Links are in the show notes, so if you do need a bit more extra help with all of this, then there are things that you can do. So, have a super weekend if you're listening to this just as it comes out.
I'll be back on Friday with a short bonus episode, or on Monday with a full episode if you're listening to this on Patreon, of course. Either way, I will speak to you again at some point very, very soon. Take care of yourself. Bye for now.