And hello to you, and welcome to the Richard Nicholls podcast, the personal development podcast series that's here to help inspire, educate, and motivate you to be the best you can

be. I'm psychotherapist Richard Nicholls, and this episode is all about kindness. And if you're ready, we'll start the show.

Happy November, everybody! How was your Halloween? Hopefully you had enough treats for any costumed visitors and nobody egged your house. If so, it may be some consolation that World Kindness Day is just around the corner on Monday the 13th. So, hopefully that'll lead to some nicer experiences.

Hopefully nobody changes lanes in front of you without signalling and then sticks their fingers up at you. No one lets a door slam in your face when you're carrying multiple bags of shopping. And everyone's got a smile on their face just for a day. Sounds like living in an episode of Postman Pat, doesn't it?

Sounds lovely. But I think if you went into the day expecting that you're likely to have been a bit disappointed. I don't think it's pessimistic to lower our expectations a little bit. And it is a shame that we need an International Awareness Day that basically just says, don't be a dick, just for a day.

Because, I mean, that should be everybody's attitude anyway, shouldn't it? It should be everybody's family motto! Noli Esse dickhead. I'd like to think it goes without saying. But I don't think that being kind is always the right answer when it comes to boosting mental health. Now, we are a social species, so yes, it is true, doing things that are for the good of the group is also good for us.

There's stacks of research to back that up. Feel free to read my book, for lots of examples, 15 Minutes to Happiness. Available in all good bookshops, folks. But doing things for others only helps if it doesn't harm us first. Saying yes to others is great, if you're also saying yes to yourself at the same time.

So, if you can afford it, sure, add some sanitary pads and soup to the food bank collection box. But don't do it if you can't really afford it, and you're only doing it to try and boost your mental health. Keep the soup for yourself. Be kind to you too, because the last thing you want is to resent someone else because you've been taken advantage of.

Now, it's not overly selfish to look after yourself. It might be so called selfish to put you first, but like you've surely heard me say many thousands of times before, that's okay. You can be kind and selfish, and that might mean simply doing very small things. Maybe sending a text message to somebody you've not spoken to for a little while, but a meaningful one.

Not just forwarding on a joke, actually saying, Alright, I hope you're well, I haven't seen you for ages. Let me know if you're free one weekend for a quick coffee or something. Or whatever works for you. Reaching out to someone is a kind thing to do. It helps them to feel that they've got some significance in somebody's life.

And of course that is going to have a positive effect on us, too. Hopefully. 'Cos I doubt you're gonna text somebody who's gonna reply with, Get lost, you idiot! It's gonna be to a genuine friend, isn't it? Well, maybe then you can have a chat with them for 10 minutes on the phone or something, whilst you walk the dog or wash up or whatever.

You don't have to go round their house and help them decorate in order to be kind to somebody? Just simply acknowledging that they exist might well be plenty good enough. One of the things that I'm aware of, though, are the deeply passive aggressive people that would really struggle with the idea of World Kindness Day.

People, in fact, so passive aggressive, you might never actually see their aggression, because it's on the inside, and it's deep, and it's hidden. It is rare, but it is certainly a personality trait that exists. They say yes to everything. But then find it really hard to actually follow things through. So they'll agree to meet for a coffee, but they'll forget.

They'll take on extra work projects, but they'll miss deadlines, or they'll lose paperwork. They might not say it, but they are absolutely chock full of resentment and anger. And if that's you, and you want to boost your mood, The last thing you should be doing is stuff for other people. You need to improve your self esteem and feelings of control over your life primarily.

So, sure, I am more than happy to embrace World Kindness Day. Being kind is absolutely something that's going to make the world a better place. But you need to do it your way. There was a recent study into the benefits of being given money to see how significant an impact it has over a three month period.

It was called Wealth Redistribution Promotes Happiness. That was the name of the study. Liz Dunn from the University of British Columbia oversaw it. Hello, Liz! If you're listening. She doesn't listen, but she does follow me on Twitter, so hello, Liz. Anyway, somebody donated two million dollars to the study, and it was split amongst 200 people.

So they each got ten grand, and everyone was told that they'd got three months to spend it all in a sort of mini version of Brewster's Millions kind of way, and they were all surveyed throughout. And, not surprisingly, after being given ten thousand dollars, their well being went up. But it was still higher after six months, even though they had to spend it all in three, and it was significantly higher for somebody whose household annual income was low. But even in the instances where their household income was over a hundred K, they still had a bit of a mood boost. So, being given a treat, makes us happier, especially when it's ten grand, and I don't think that's going to be a surprise to anybody.

Although having that every year probably wouldn't have the same influence, and I won't bore you with the numbers, but when you compare the increase in happiness for those receiving it compared to the difference we see in people who have got, like, a spare ten million quid in the bank, compared to having eight million quid, it's a significantly different approach.

Having ten million quid spare isn't really any different to having six million or even five million. But redistributing it to others makes a really big difference. So from a social psychology perspective, it is a good idea that as a group, we don't have the extremes of unnecessarily rich and unnecessarily poor.

And if it wasn't for the donors of that two million quid being anonymous, it'd be really interesting to see how their mood was influenced by knowing that they'd had such a positive influence on those people. But hey, But whatever good it might have done those wealthy donors, we're assuming here that they could afford it.

It's unlikely that they'd have resented doing it. And if you bring those numbers down to an everyday life level, then rather than having two million quid spare, the average Joe might have, let's say, It's a lot of money, but they might have 200 pounds, dollars, whatever, there's not much of a difference nowadays, is there?

Spare. Then of course, if you can afford to help others, then do so. But if you have to choose between helping others and helping yourself, if there genuinely is no choice, then of course we need to look after ourselves. We're not toddlers sharing our sweets without a care in the world, and on the whole, they do.

If you give a two year old some little snacks, they're immediately happier. You can see it. But when you ask them if they'd like to share those snacks, they overwhelmingly say yes, and those that do are clearly happier than they were before they started. So, along with a couple of other experiments, it showed that we are born kind, it seems. We have to grow out of it if we're going to become unhelpfully selfish. But more importantly, when it comes to kindness, if you're going to be doing something that's financial, what's important is your understanding of where your money goes. Because this is completely overlooked, I find.

If you don't know where your donation goes and how the money would be used, then actually, the influence is negligible. You probably shouldn't bother if you're trying to improve your mental health by sharing it, but when you know that you're say fiver, is going to a family in Uganda to protect them from malaria.

And not just some random organisation with multiple charity projects that may just as well be needing help to fund their office staff coffee tin, I don't know. Your positive influence on your mood is close to worthless. And that has been studied quite a bit. There was a massive study into the difference between people who donated to UNICEF, big organisation, and people who donated to a small malaria prevention charity called Spread the Net.

This was a few years ago. UNICEF may well have used the money for the exact same purpose, but the donors don't really know. But Spread the Net, they would tell you because that was set up to do exactly what you expect. I think it was, uh, ten dollars? Yes, it was ten dollars, because the spread of the net were Canadian.

They guaranteed they could provide a malaria net, a net for someone whilst they sleep to prevent the mosquitoes from infecting them. Literally saving lives with a tenner. And I think charities need to know this. It's also Children in Need Day on Friday the 15th. And they won't just show us the horror stories of why they need the money.

They'll also show us the effects of it afterwards. They'll show us the benefits. And that's where your focus should be if you're donating. Because yeah, your money just gets put into a pot with everybody else's cash and distributed out. But when you can see the specific benefits that you'll make, it will have a much bigger influence.

But like I say, Only do these things if you can afford it. If you can swap 20 quids worth of booze and crisps in a pub with a mate for a night in with bottles instead and you save a tenner Then use that tenner. Go for it. But if you have to swap a decent nutritional meal for a pot noodle and a slice of bread, then only do that if you don't resent not having a decent meal that night.

Because you're important too. Right at the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy of needs is food. You can't move up the pyramid to feeling connected to others at the top until the foundations are good. I had to make a tricky decision recently. So as you may or may not know, I have a Patreon page to fund the running of this podcast.

Because I don't like the idea of sponsors or adverts. And as a thank you, I make full episodes every Monday. But I also use the donations on Patreon to fund therapy for people who can't afford it. And I was going to liaise with another therapist and arrange for an extra client, an extra patient, when it got to, I think the figure in my head was 220 patrons.

But I've lost a few patrons lately. Everyone seems to be tightening their belt. A few people unsubscribed, emailed me with apologies and said they just can't afford it. Well, I also used the Patreon donations to help with some food banks. But I couldn't do both. So, do I help people with food, or do I help people with therapy?

And in truth, therapy wouldn't be any good for somebody if the reason for their depression is because they're always hungry. And I saw some figures recently from the Trussell Trust about how many people are relying on food banks, and it's through the roof at the minute. Last year particularly, it was awful.

And for the first time, I think, since they started out, the need was greater than the donations they'd got, and they'd been in emergency positions. So, all the therapy in the world won't make a significant difference. So, rather than drop my Patreon target of 220 patrons, meaning an extra person gets therapy.

I've decided to leave it where it is, but increase the food bank donations. And if you're a patron of mine, please remember that you're doing that. All I do is make the decisions. You're the ones actually paying. So sure, I take a day off work to play around with podcasts each week. And obviously I'd earn more money if I saw clients.

But it's your money that I use for the, the Trussell Trust and Fair Share and the Deaf Children's Society and the other bits and bobs that I do. So please recognise you might be, if you're a patron of mine, already doing something that's quite kind. Please do bear that in mind. I make these episodes as a thank you for it.

But I'd be making them anyway, really, because I quite like doing this. Maybe not weekly, because it's hard work, but I like doing it. And it's because of you that I can. And because of you that somebody has got chickpea and potato curry with rice for tea tonight, rather than cuppa soup. Or, or nothing, because they gave the kid their cuppa soup.

Maybe you're kind enough already to others. So maybe, Your focus for World Kindness Day is to make time for you, to be kind to you. Anyway, I'm going to love you and leave you for now. Again, if you're a patron of mine, thanks a million for your support. And hello to some new patrons. Yes, I've lost a few this month, but I've also gained a couple.

So hello to you. Have a lovely week, you absolute legends. And I'll be back before you know it. Take care.